15 Crimes Against Hot Dogs You Can’t Unsee

15 Crimes Against Hot Dogs You Can’t Unsee photo

Discovered in the Bon Appétit archives: peas on a hot dog. For shame.

The Fourth of July is only a few days away and according to the Constitution, (or was it a diary of Thomas Jefferson’s?) I’m pretty sure it’s our God-given right to eat hot dogs in quick succession while fireworks blast overhead, the Hamilton soundtrack plays at high volume, and Donald Trump plays golf in the nude.

AMERICA. THE. BEAUTIFUL. Frankly, it’s fantastic.

But before you go pledging allegiance to the grill, please don’t commit these crimes against hot dogs. Not all industries were meant to be disrupted, okay? A hot dog is a hot dog. Don’t spiralize it. Don’t spend hours cutting 50 into little octopi for kids who won’t know the difference. Don’t stuff it in a crescent roll, add cheese, and dip it in Dorito crumbs. You’re veering into kolache territory there and that’s a totally DIFFERENT THING. Here are some hot dog violations I saw with my own eyes, on the Internet:

Mummy Dogs
The only scary thing about these is that they exist.

Elaborate Twisted Bun
So what you’re saying is, you took a perfect hand held meal and made it more complicated to cook *and* eat because the shape is “pretty”? NO.

Hot Dog Burrito Monstrosity
What I hate so much about these is how much I want to try one.

Hot Dog Spiders
You know what’s scarier than a real spider? How much damn time went into cutting these.

Pretzel Dogs

Valentine Dogs
I’m sorry but these really look like butts.

Cross-Species Bunny Dogs
How do you even eat them? I mean, really.

The caption says the time pays off “in smiles,” but have you met kids? They smile ALL the time.

Surrealist Canoe Dogs
“I know I’m smiling but I really hurt inside.” “Me, too.”

Snail Dogs
One did one snail hot dog say to the other? “This is fucking embarrassing.”

Diamond Dogs
Do you like wasting time and eating Legos?

Spiral Dogs
First they came for our zucchini, now they’re spiralizing our HOT DOGS? DO NOT STAND FOR THIS.

Imitation Firecracker Dogs
These are only acceptable if you actually light them on fire and they explode into the night sky.

Hot Dog Spaghetti
This is why people hate “fusion.”

Anthropomorphized Dogs
This hot dog is waving a white flag because once you’ve gone this far, surrender.

Dog Dogs
Actually this one is okay. This one can stay.

Leave the hot dog as-is, just switch up the toppings: Here are some ideas

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